The concept of happiness is alien to me. I don’t quite know what a reasonably smart, happy person looks like and thus cannot myself pursue and aspire to a “state of happiness”. I can, however, understand what it means to be content and grateful for one’s position in life. These feelings are materially different from a state of happiness because they are both temporary and subject to self-persuasion, as well as independent from external validation. One cannot be constantly content, nor can he be continuously grateful. The world progresses with people who are unsatisfied and constantly want something more; people who reach far, hungry for more, willing to go out of their comfort zone in a quest to find a new, temporary equilibrium of contentment, enabling them to feel momentarily comfortable in their status quo, and thus grateful. And all this is temporary as they will soon start yearning and aspiring for more.

I mentioned that contentment and feeling grateful for one’s position in life is also a matter of self-persuasion. This was a recent realization-by-observation for me. I witnessed the smartest person I know persuading herself to be content and grateful for her life, even though she veered from her initial plan. That was such an important life-lesson for me. Though I never achieved that state of equilibrium, the fact that contentment can be an outcome of self-persuasion was revelatory. I still struggle with it. But thinking that there is no value in worrying for things that are beyond my control, is critical in at least approaching a state of equilibrium. Prior to that, I kept playing “what if” scenarios in my head, which is a recipe for misery and bitterness.

As time went by, I realized that to accept and feel comfortable in my status quo, I had to mourn the teenage vision of my future self. This process of mourning is not as dramatic as it reads. We mourn the past passing and the future that never was, even if the present is as good, and the future potentially better. Think about it in terms of watching your kids grow up. You are glad to see them reach the next developmental milestone, but you still feel bad when they no longer rush to shower you with hugs and kisses. Afterall, each choice in life is also a choice of letting go of all alternatives. And the act of letting go, needs processing, for it can otherwise eat you from the inside.

I also realized that contentment can be detached from the banality of everyday life. General motivation and day-to-day can be two separate things. Focusing on the bigger picture–what impact we have and what outcomes we can achieve for those we love–trumps the minutiae of daily routine. And this comes with another realization–that it is only very few, typically of extreme privilege, who have the luxury to fully enjoy what they do day in and day out.

I’m writing this as I am going through a period of re-orientation, where I question past choices and play “what if” scenarios. I also feel guilty that I am ungrateful and do not appreciate everything that hard work, other people’s trust, and bucketloads of luck afforded me. But at the same time, I know that if I don’t take yet another risk for fear of failing, I will very much regret it, and in doing so I will betray myself and those who love me–Sunshine and the kids. For I can only teach the kids by example, and seeing their dad going for it, fighting for something better, is itself a valuable lesson, even if it will mean spending less time with them for a while.