The last couple of months have presented our family with significant challenges. I embarked on a job application process that demanded a rigorous technical examination, necessitating a deep dive into a broad spectrum of topics within a compressed timeframe. The probability of success was slim, but the opportunity was one I deeply desired, and I was aware that not seizing it would lead to a lifetime of regret. This pursuit led to my physical and mental absence from home. I devoted every weekend to intensive study sessions, and my weekdays were a juggling act between my usual long work hours and additional study. My presence at home became sporadic, and when I was there, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and stress rendered me less than congenial, compounded by the knowledge of the daunting odds I faced.

The choice to pursue this career opportunity was a joint decision with Sunshine. We were fully aware of the implications and the inevitable impact it would have on our lives. Sunshine was adamant that I chase this opportunity, offering unwavering support and promising to bridge any gaps during my absence. True to her word, she was nothing short of remarkable, seamlessly managing our household single-handedly for weeks on end. She provided me with the tranquility and time essential for my studies, all while taking care of our children with the devotion of a sole caregiver.

The children were keenly aware of my absence and felt disheartened. I make it a point to be present for their early dinners, and then take over their bath time rituals. Bedtime is our special moment; I cherish the routine of either snuggling with Despina until she drifts off to sleep or reading books and narrating stories with Johnny until it’s time to exchange our nightly hugs and kisses, signaling the end of another day. Come Saturday morning, I’m off on my bicycle for a few hours, and then dedicate the rest of the weekends to them.

Johnny, at the wise age of six and a half, found the words to express his feelings of longing. He confided in me that my absence was something he didn’t like, noting that he was missing me and wanted to spend more time with me, but that he understood that I had to study. His actions spoke volumes; despite growing up and becoming a ‘big boy,’ his hugs and kisses when I was around were his way of cherishing our time together. As for little Despina, merely two and a half, her innocent remark to her grandmother, “Dad is away,” pierced my heart.

I fortified myself against all distractions, adopting a survivalist stance, conserving my emotional and physical efforts solely for my studies. My mantra became “it is what it is,” coupled with the reassurance that “one way another, it will soon be over.” To claim that this ordeal didn’t test my relationships, would be a gross misrepresentation of the truth. Yet, Sunshine persevered, unwavering in her assumed role as the primary nurturer of our children, despite her very obvious fatigue.

It was the first time since the arrival of the kids that I was absent for such a stretch of time. Typically, my work’s demanding cycles would occasionally keep me from returning home before their bedtime for several consecutive days, but I’d always strive to compensate during the weekends. And during those instances when my job took me overseas, I made it a point to video call them in the afternoons, eager to bridge the distance and share glimpses of my travels with them.

I never missed them so much while sleeping under the same roof. The weight of not spending time with them took me by surprise. Despite understanding that circumstances were out of my hands, a sense of guilt lingered for not being there—for missing moments with them and with Sunshine. I had never seen myself as the quintessential family man, but the sudden void was unexpectedly crushing. It prompted reflections on the struggles of parents forced to be apart from their children, particularly those toiling for long hours at minimal pay. In seeking solace, I hoped that my efforts would serve as a lesson in perseverance and dedication for them, mirroring their mother’s success in achieving another advanced degree just last year. Alas, my attempts at self-consolation fell short, and the guilt persists, a silent companion even now, after the interview and test have concluded.

I’m now working on earning good husband and father points. On Saturday, I went for a ride and then dedicated the rest of the weekend to the family. We had drinks with dear friends on Friday evening and coffee on Saturday noon. After a quick lunch in Limassol, we then visited Omodos where we stayed the night. A lot of time was spent in the village playground, meals with local produce were cooked, and overall had a pleasant time. Everyone was happy—Johnny didn’t want to leave, Despina played for hours with her new friend, and Sunshine enjoyed the serene beauty of her lovely village, relaxing under the vine canopy in the cooler mountain temperatures. I missed them so much and couldn’t get enough of them.

Recently, I marked the passage of my thirty-eighth year—a celebration that arrived a mere day after the interview and test were concluded. Birthdays, once personal festivities, have transformed into occasions of amplified joy, thanks to the infectious enthusiasm of the kids. With each passing year, the chorus of well-wishers may dwindle—my birthday remains off social media—yet this year, the warmth of love felt more profound than ever. As I blew the candle, my wish was simple: health to us all, to cherish our time together.

This is part of a series of entries titled Fatherhood Diaries where I record thoughts on life as a new dad. Click here for all the Fatherhood Diaries.